OSAN AIR BASE, Republic of Korea -- At this time of year you start hearing about Sexual Assault and the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response program left and right. You do all your required annual awareness training and hear about all the ways someone can be victimized, from being a victim of assault to a victim of harassment. You hear things like “Make wise choices, don’t set yourself up to be a Victim.”
There’s victim shaming, and re-victimization and just victim, victim, victim. I can’t stand that word. You hear it and instantly think of someone who is vulnerable and weak, someone who was put into a situation that they couldn’t control and they got hurt.
You would never guess it upon first meeting me, since I’m that one in the shop that is always smiling or laughing, the kind of person that seems as if nothing bad has ever touched them simply because they have such an annoyingly positive outlook on life! Yet I am what most would term a “Victim” of sexual abuse and multiple assaults.
I had just turned 14 the first time it happened, was beginning to develop, and someone had taken notice. The experience was terrifying from the very beginning. I was confused and frightened, I would run and hide from my abuser, would try to fight him off when he found me...but he was older, bigger, stronger, and very persistent so I couldn’t always escape.
May you never know the horror of being forced to cower in a small room while someone whispers through the door what they’re going to do once they get in, never know just how loud the click of the lock popping free can sound, the desperation that seizes you as you grab the door handle and throw your meager weight against it in a futile effort to keep the monster at bay. He would threaten to and often did hurt me when I wouldn’t cooperate, and I couldn’t tell anyone. He made it very clear that he would find a way to harm me in even worse ways if anyone ever found out. Over the course of a year I got very good at hiding the daily cuts and bruises, it was a nightmare that only ended when my family moved to another state.
It has taken me years to get to the point where I am ok talking about the traumatizing experiences of my past. It has taken acquiring the maturity to look back and not blame myself, because I would always wonder if I had fought harder, if I had hid better, or if I had just done something different, could I have stopped it? I live with my memories in the back of my mind every day, sometimes I can almost forget, almost believe that it was just a bad story that happened to someone else a long time ago, and other times I find myself hunched over flinching from phantom blows, desperately drawing in breath as I try to calm myself down, as I struggle not to be dragged under by wave after wave of memory. The shame, the degradation, the pain both physical and mental, has shaped the way I interact with men and people in general to this day. Telling others about what I’ve gone through has always been a two-edged blade because while it might help to leech out some of the poison built up inside me from suppressing everything for so long, it also changes the way some people look at me. Sometimes there’s a subtle shift in their eyes that tells you that they see you differently now, they see you as broken, a thing to be pitied, as damaged goods, a “Victim”, and that can hurt even more.
In 2013 I became a DoD certified Victim Advocate with the hopes of helping others who have been through their own situations, and one thing that I always state right away is that the person talking to me is not a “Victim.” They are in point of fact Survivors! These people have been through experiences that could break someone, and when they come forward, when they find the courage to seek out help, it is not out of weakness, they have not allowed themselves to become “Victims.” They are fighting back; sometimes in the only way they know how, by admitting that they can’t do it alone, admitting that they need help. The inner strength required for that level of brutal honesty with themselves is something to be admired.
I don’t lie to my Survivors, I tell them that they are going to hurt like hell inside for a while, but it will get better, over time. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will be right there, not to hold their hand but to stand at their back and help keep them going forward, to be someone they can lean on. The only thing I can’t and won’t offer to do is carry them, I will be there for the entire journey through that dark place but every step they take has to be their choice. Not everyone can make it all the way back into the light and you need to understand that that’s ok too.
Every situation can be handled differently, and everyone will handle it differently because of who they are. We are shaped by the events of our lives, but how much is ultimately up to us. You might not have been able to prevent what happened in the first place but you can decide how to let it affect you. It is your decision whether or not you report what happened, your decision that determines if you want to prosecute your abuser or just do everything you can to come to terms with what happened and leave it in your past. You decide if and what kind of help you need, spiritual, physical, mental or emotional.
While I’d never wish my experiences on my worst enemy, I understand that without my trials I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn’t know how strong I am, I wouldn’t know just how much I can endure. I have been physically, mentally and sexually abused, been beaten, strangled, raped and tortured. I’ve looked into a face and seen my own death staring back at me. I suffered through it all in silence yet I still don’t consider myself a “Victim.” I am a Survivor. I fought back when I knew it wasn’t possible to win, when I knew that it would only make matters worse--I fought with everything I am because I am not now nor have I ever been a “Victim.”
Surviving really is the best revenge you can have against someone that has tried to take your power from you. If I can offer one piece of advice it would be that you don’t bottle it up like I did for so long. Use the resources available to you as weapons against those that hurt and took from you, don’t let them claim a moment more of your pain. Take back your joy; your peace of mind, fight for yourself and you will not fight alone.
They say that the strongest metals are forged in the hottest fires, and if you can keep from breaking, from warping under the strain of going head-to-head with your own demons, then you can emerge from your own hell strong as titanium, gleaming bright as steel with a will to match! I admit that I have my good days and my bad, but through it all I am still smiling, still happy, still standing tall, and still Surviving.
